I love to write.
I have so much to say and I want to get it out there (here) so my brain can take a rest from thinking. But I want it to be perfect. I want to choose just the right words and sentence structures. I'm hesitant to post something that I might change my mind about later if someone makes a good point with a different angle. I want to be fair. Of course, I don't want to be attacked. (I think it's unpleasant and unnecessary, and I'm going to write a post about why I think so soon. It will probably be called The Anger Demon.) I want to be clear and unassailable.
However...
When I start writing about an issue, I often find myself going in circles. I am blessed or cursed with the ability to see both or all sides of an issue. Even if I disagree with you fundamentally, if you explain your position I can usually still understand why you hold a particular opinion. I can - or will try to - see how you reached that place.
Does this make me wishy-washy?
People who like things black-and-white would probably say yes. But for me, that kind of contrast is only for clothes. I can't help seeing the grey areas, the other side of the coin, the black and the white and the rainbow shades in-between.
Yes, I do realize that there is a direct contradiction between that and wanting to be "clear and unassailable". I wonder, what's the point of posting anything if I'm not clear about my thoughts? I start writing and either end up where I began or somewhere different that I'm not sure I like the look of. Or just somewhere completely inconclusive, neither here nor there. I crave resolution and yet I can't get there. There is always another point to consider.
I get to the end and think, well, that didn't really lead anywhere or add anything to the discussion after all. It may be well-written but so what? What's the point of posting it?
While mulling over this impasse, I realized that:
- sometimes there are no easy answers;
- it's not natural for me to pretend that there are;
- I'm often suspicious of people who seem too sure of their position;
and
- it doesn't matter if I don't reach a conclusion.
(That gets rid of almost all my excuses for procrastination. Oh, damn!)
So, all I can do is share my experiences, my thoughts and my opinions, such as they are. Like the entry I posted last week - reading it over (narcissistically), I wondered how much sense it really made. My thought processes can be a kind of model, showing how I work my way to a conclusion. If I sound flaky or indecisive, so be it.
And if you want to disagree - with this or anything else I write - do it nicely.